My time to pout and whine.
Lately I have been feeling sorry for myself. Not like a "I hate my life" type of pity,but a more of a "booo-hoo woe is me."
I feel like I am not happy with where I am in life. I know part of this is to do with things I can somewhat control, and I am fine with that. It is the embracing of thigs uncontrorable that drives me to tears.
I am tonight writing about things I can not control, that make my life hard.
First off I am sick. I think often back to what my now husband was told by my parents when he asked my dad permission to propose to me. They said,"Are you sure, Joey will always be sick, and you may have to take care of her." I can't believe he agreed to this burden. I sometimes try so hard to pretend I am super healthy, but it seems to come back and kick me while I am down.
I have Celiac Sprue disease. It is a auto immune disorder with no cure. The only thing you can do is stick to a strict life long diet where you avoind grains, specifically Glidian or Gluten, which is found in wheat oats and grains. When Gluten is injested it creates 2-3 degrees burns on the digestive organs, and eats away at the lining of your small intestine and create ulcers and holes in the lining. It takes years to replace the damage and some is irreversible. Celiacs often suffer from Malnutrtion, Infertility, Chonic stomach problems, Chronic Migranes, Arthritis, loss of bone density, increased cancers, mental health problems and other life long problems.
I suffer from most of these. I am malnurished. I am 5'8 and only weigh 95 pounds. I struggle with infertility. It took a year to get pregnant with my daughter, who we then lost. I always have a stomach ache and throw up at least one day a week.
I have horrible migranes. I once had one that lasted 23 days. For those of you who have had a horrible Migrane, Imagine having that for 23 days. I was in and out of the hospital, on 14 different medications, some that cause my hair to fall out, and some that caused me to throw up for hours straight. I was on one that I had to have my blood monitered because of the high doses, it could make my blood become toxic to my body. I wanted to die.
I have osteo arthritis. I am only 22 and have had it for 2 years. By the age of 15 I had already broken my hip, my wrist, my nose(three times), every toe, and torn the cartlige out of my knee.
I suffer from depression. From high school on I was on small doses of anti-depressents. Yet after the death of my daughter I went down hill. I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. I spent a week in the hospital after I couldnt get out of bed, stop crying, or sleep due to nightmares of seeing my poor babys lifeless body. I made it through those times, with help from my family, some good and not so good doctors and medication to stop the nightmares.
I feel mentally healthy now. I still take a antidepressent and a pill to help me sleep. But I feel stable. : )
My body feels 80 year old though. My bones ache. I work full time and am on my feet all eight hours work of my day. I am very active. At the end of each work day I cry because I feel like my body is giving out on me. My doctor says I should work less, but I can't do that. I have to take care of my self. We qualify for welfare, Medical assitance and Disability, Yet I take NONE. I work my ass off to pay for my own medical insurance, and bills. I owe two thousand dollars in medical bills which I pick up every extra shift I can to pay my debt.
Why am I writing this? Not for pity. I feel shitty enough that I don't need anyone elses pity. But to show all you welfare taking, baby having , jobless assholes, that your life is pretty good.You should take pride and take care of what you do have, and work your butt off for what you don't! I planned my child, with the ability to care for her, and lost her. Where you keep popping out babies you can't afford. You don't deserve them! You claim disability for being fat. Bullshit, you need the foodstamps less than anyone. Send the money to feed a starving african child. You claim unemp;oyment. Work at McDonalds. It may not be the job you want, but at least your paying your own way through life. I read Dharmas article today and it lit me up. I am sick and tired of these hand outs we are giving. That's all for now.