Wish List

Published on May 2, 2004 By Janders In Home & Family

I found this on a website. (www.geocities.com/babiesinheaven) I thought it described how I feel often about my daughter. People don't know how to act... I wish they would read this.

I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t deserve your recognition.

I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you’re thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.

I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.

I wish you wouldn’t pretend my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I’m not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasn’t really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a "foetus". The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. My baby was a real person.

My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again.

I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren’t interchangeable.

I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Comments

WiseFawn

on May 02, 2004

Thank you posting this. My best friend lost a daughter over twenty years ago and we still talk about her. Her name was Amy and she died two weeks before she was born.
I'm so sorry about your loss.

Janders

on May 02, 2004

You are a really good friend to talk to her about her daughter... None of my friends will share my daughter with me. They change the subject as soon as it is brought up.

dharmagrl

on May 02, 2004

I'll share, Janders.

What did she look like? How big was she? How did you come up with her name?

Janders

on May 03, 2004

Her name Jayden is from her daddy Jaysen and grandpa Jay. Her middle name Lynn comes from my name JoLynda, and the pastor who married us, his name was Lynn.

Our baby daughter was so Tiny, I just held her in my palm, but she really was perfect. She had big dark eyes, just like her dad. She hand the tiniest hands and feet. So beautiful. When I think of her I feel Love and Joy. Holding her was Bliss.

Janders

on May 03, 2004

Dharma...... Have I ever told you what a wonderful person you are...... You are worth more than gold!

shadesofgrey

on May 03, 2004

Janders:

Sounds like your baby had a lot of love surrounding her.

Thanks for the wish list. One of my friends lost their baby last year and I am never really sure how best to talk about it. I usually allow her to take the lead, if she wants to talk about baby Ashton, we do, if she doesn't, we don't. I appreciate the tips and will keep them in mind in the future.

Dharma...... Have I ever told you what a wonderful person you are...... You are worth more than gold!

I agree 100%!

Sherye Hanson

on May 03, 2004

I have a friend who lost her husband. He and I were good friends, so I miss him too. I always bring him up and she always cries. I feel cruel but I know that talking about it is the best for her. I'm sorry your friends don't know. Make a website for your baby, make a picture gallery of your baby. Make sure you mention your baby every chance you get. If someone objects, tell them that this is how you mourn. You may lose some friends, but you will gain some others.

Janders

on May 03, 2004

shadesofgrey~ It is really good that you let her talk about Ashton if she wants.

Sherye~ Those are good sugestions. Thanks!

dharmagrl

on May 03, 2004

Janders, I'm so glad that you got to hold her. You bonded with her, didn't you? That's wonderful! Did you take pictures of her? I think that I would have.

You know, anytime you want to talk, about Jayden, about anything, you can email me: dharmagirl69@yahoo.com.

Namaste, my friend.

Janders

on May 03, 2004

Dharma, unfortunatly I didn't get to take pictures, because I delivered at home, and I had to be rushed for the hospital because of blood loss. We didnt grab the camera. They took her away at the dr's and we did not see her again until the day of her burial. I wish we could of had pictures. I do have pictures of us with her urn and at the cemetary. I also have her ultrasound picture, from when I went into labor. All my pictures of her are in my heart.

dharmagrl

on May 03, 2004

Oh! I'm sorry....but, you have your memories of her. You got to hold and bond with her.

How many weeks were you when you delivered?

Janders

on May 03, 2004

I was 14 weeks. 2 weeks past the "safe point", when misscarriages are not as common. I went into labor though, and they can't stop it that early. So we decided to go and deliver at home because Jayden's heart had stopped beating, and there would not be a risk to her with a home deliverey. So we labored and delivered at home.

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